Thursday, May 28, 2009

Bostonista Musings...

I'm so sorry for my lack of posts recently. I just don't feel inspired at all. By anything. The idea that I don't have any kind of meaningful control over my own life has finally, truly hit me. I love fashion. I love the industry and all its horrid, fast-paced (decidedly non-glamorous) insanity more than anything. I guess that is why it hurts so much to watch it slip out of my life.
I was signing my "Reasonable Guarantee of Work" form for the 09/10 school year for the school system I currently work at it and all I could think was, "Another year that I'm watching my dreams get even further away." I thought I was going to start sobbing.
When I was younger I would have said, "Stop being such a loser! Just get up and go! Make it happen! You can do it!"

But it turns out that it doesn't work that way in the real world. I thought that I was going to college so that I could figure out who I was, who I wanted to be, and then be able to get there.
Ironically its my college education that is holding me back. I can't get up and go because I have to pay back the $110,000 student loans. So I had to get that job (and a few others) and even though I'm trying I can't pay them back so my credit is shot and you can't move to a new city without a job or credit because you could never get a place to live. This is how a person gets stuck in a job and then a life they don't want.

I'm almost halfway through my twenties. And I've achieved absolutely nothing that I wanted to. I'm fine with changing my plans but not if those changes make me miserable! I'm on a treadmill and I'm running and running and going nowhere. It makes me feel like my hearts been broken and this time it won't heal.

So forgive me for not being inspiring.

13 comments:

jackie said...

i love you, and sincerely empathize with your sadness.

but you have the rest of your life to accomplish your dreams! every day is another chance to turn it all around...there is NO expiration date. i believe in you, and your passion will keep you connected to the things you desire most. please believe.

stay sassy!

Cafe Fashionista said...

This is the most upsetting post I have ever read. My heart goes out to you. Please know that we are always here for you, Bostonista. All of your visitors believe in you. Don't give up! :)

alstubliefty said...

just stumbled across your blog...I feel the EXACT same way. crazy, how that is, huh? that you can identify so much with someone you've never met. but try to listen to your younger self (yeah, I know...easier said than done) and don't give up on your passions. good stuff here.

nani said...

Wow, I really really love your blog!! Seriously
I´ve just seen it in my followers list and what a good surprise to find a good blog between the infinity of blogs!

Btw,,,
Most of us feel in a certain moment of our lives just the way you feel:(
Obviously not for the same problems but with the same feelings and frustations of impotence. I always try to remember the same idae when I'm feeling bad, you have to live in darkness to see the ligth. May be it doesn't sounds too inspiring but I'm sure that better days will come:)

Don't worry, Be happy!

Martini said...

hey there! I'm so glad for your post. I've felt the exact same way. Just remember, school debt is good debt and you can actually just pay the minimum so that you can continue to build your credit.

when i feel like i'm accomplishing nothing, i try to make small manageable goals...sometimes that helps.

i'm too am done with school this year, and am stuck until i finish. any chance we can still meet up?

Couture Carrie said...

Oh darling you are so young and have so many opportunities in your future. Do not fret! I have changed careers twice and I am in my early thirties, and I feel like the great part of my life is just beginning, in terms of following my dreams. You will do great, and there are no apologies necessary!

xoxox,
CC

(Encyclo)lydia said...

Oh dear, I want you to feel better. You WILL figure it out. I understand that whole having high expectations for where you should be at this moment in your life, but sometimes you just have to live one step at a time. I'm taking out the same amount of student loans and will definitely come running to you when I get a little bogged down with all of that stress tailing me throughout college.
Don't let yourself be uninspired! Things will improve. I admire you for working so hard — that feat will get you far in life.

Elena said...

Don't lose your faith in yourself, everything happens for a reason.. Everything's going to be fine in the end. You'll see it!

Allie said...

My heart truly goes out to you. I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes it may seem as though life is going by too fast and that you've accomplished nothing but thirty is still young. Everyone goes through rough patches, just keep working as hard as you are and soon things will look much brighter! I love your blog and have always found inspiration from it.

Secretista said...

Don't ever give up. I believe in you and I know that if you put your mind to it, it will all work out. There is always time to do anything you want to. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

You are being too hard on yourself. It took me until I was 40 to get the dream job in the design industry, I worked my ass off through my 20's and 30's scrimping and saving. But those were the best times too...Your blog is great..you will get to that "place" eventually... but it may take going down some roads you didn't plan on (which is sometimes better)...and that is a good thing!

Anonymous said...

kara,

i have known you for 6 years now. and i know that there is no one out there that I know of that has more passion for anything. I would say your love of fashion compares to my love of Elvis. That is really big.

but you can't give up your dream. you have loans, yes, but don't let them trap you! I know, easier said than done, but you have to believe it - you will get there! Read all of these peoples comments about how much they admire you and they love your blog and you will see, it isn't just your friends and family that believe in you! There are so many people that do. You have a gift - you know what you want, you are good at it, and you are passionate about it. Most people are lucky to even have one of those qualities.

I am rooting for you. Team Kara! You are my shining star.


Love you,
Jess

Erin Dale said...

I think you and I are in the exact same situation. I'm a Boston-area blogger and '07 graduate who would love to work in fashion, but I, too, have several part-time jobs and substitute teach so I can pay back my awful student loans. My dream is to move to NYC and work in fashion, but it seems impossible because you need money to move, but you can't make money without a good job, and you can't get a good job unless you move somewhere like NY, etc. :( I empathize. But there's always hope! I looove your blog and am so glad I've just found it and have added you to my blogroll. I would love to network with you and discuss the local fashion scene. :)

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